"Requiem of an Insomniac"

Saturday, June 28, 2008

From a Cynic's point of View (?)

Never expect too much. When you do, you end up facing failed expectations with no way or surviving. The deepest sadness can be felt at the realization that this is all but a vicious cycle. To expect and be let down. To be hit by the undeniable fact that no one can ever make you happy but yourself. No one.

There will be days when you think this is all just part of a cynic's point of view. Because when you learn to depend on someone... you allow yourself to be pulled by the intense desire and temptation of letting yourself go... fully. Allow yourself to fall, plummet through heights unknown knowing there is someone to catch you. Someone to fill that aching void of solitude you thought you'll never fill.

And someone does catch you... holds you in his arms and makes you feel safe. You find yourself baring more of yourself. Trusting... depending... expecting.

And then expectations will rise to a level that can't be met and you get hurt. You think its all the other's fault. You think he should have done more. He should have met all expectations with no mistakes whatsoever.

And that is your biggest mistake.

To think your other half is perfect. that he will never hurt you. that he will never do something that would bring your world upside down.

And so you feel angry. At him... but more at yourself for being vulnerable. For expecting too much. For depending too much.

But most importantly, for losing yourself in him...

Because when you do... its so difficult to get yourself back.

So no expectations. Never lose yourself... love but love yourself more. Because once you let yourself go... there's a chance you won't get yourself back.

No one can make you happy but yourself.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008

A Love Song for...

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

nothing more i can say but that.

~thanks John M.

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Hormonal Days...

Been having hormonal days recently. being extra sensitive.. paranoid.. crying over the little things.. and being extremely affected by things that normally doesn't affect me. Hormones. I blame them. I blame so many things these days... the heat. the rain. the airconditioning. the hungerpangs and the body aches and pains. I blame my anxiety over the coming delivery. I blame the fear of pain. I blame the constant need to go to the ladies room and the time i need to wait until i get a ride to work.

Even then i know it all boils down to one thing. The hormones. I close my eyes and say a short prayer of strength. I pray as i cry. I pray as i move. I pray that i wont be so weak. My eyes hurt and i blame that too... I guess i just have to ride with it. wait a few more weeks. A few more days. Then a few more hours.

Sometimes, i get so affected reading about how other fellow pregnant mommies get to spend time with their husbands. I feel envious. I have to admit that. At times like these where anything and everything seems to contribute to my mood, i know that a hug or a smile from my husband would make everything better. I long for those short walks together. Dinners we could share. trips we could make. I long for the moments when i would constantly crave for something only my husband can give me. I feel so incomplete.

But then i try not to be that way. I look at the other side of the coin and tell myself constantly that i am lucky to have a family that wholeheartedly supports me. I have a bigger family now. And when moments seem really tough for me i hang on to that thought instead. I am grateful for that.

BUt i have to admit. At this very moment. I am just so lonely.

Tomorrow will be another day. Perhaps then, I won't be.

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Monday, June 16, 2008

My 1,000 things.

And I'm, I'm over-joyed
And I'm, I'm over-loved
And I'm feeling lucky like a little boy
Who's hiding under cover
And looking to discover
Every way to play the part inside this darkened cave
The meaning of life, well it starts at the nightlight
Close your eyes and I hope you see mine

And I've, well I've seen a thousand things in one place
But I stopped my counting when I saw your face
Erasing memory, well I feel as though I've never seen a face before
Until I saw your eyes
And they're smiling back at me through my tears
I've been counting all these years, oh
Suddenly the thousand things I've seen were nothing more than dreams of
Of you and me
You and me
Quietly at a standstill now
Fortunately you will, well you'll kiss me, I will
I will kiss you back

Oh the fact of the matter is
And I don't know what the latter is, oh no way
See, I've always wanted to kiss you
But I, I always wanted to run from you
Because I've always wanted to miss you
And I, I always wanted to come for you

"Well I love my comfort foods," you said
While you always say, "How do you do?"

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Friday, June 13, 2008

Just for my hubby...

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

ending my day

long day.. long tiring day... aches and pains accompany me now. I've been expecting this. slower steps, cautious walks. finding the right sitting position.. breathing position..

and then there's those moments with caleb... and all the pain.. all the aches disappear into thin air. movements. sudden or otherwise are always welcome. They make me wince and smile at the same time. It's like my little angel saying, "hey mommy!!! look what i can do now!;)"

and so i take the good in with the bad.

Tomorrow... is gonna be another day... tiring or not, it doesn't matter. As long as i have my little munchkin keeping me company... Its all good.

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Sunday, June 08, 2008

The Myths of Falling...in Love

Here's a very interesting read for couples or would-be married couples...

When You FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn't for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see
42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah's couch because of Katie?)

It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated,
holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green... it doesn't really matter.

All of us fall in love. And we get stuck in myths that drive us
absolutely crazy. My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to
believe in them. Let's begin..........

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL

Let me qualify.

This is such a tricky myth. Because love ----- as defined by the Bible
------ will conquer all. But love ------ as defined by glazed-eyed lovers
----- will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:

You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer
space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of
him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle.
Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace
his drink with poison.

But you won't --------- because you're in love. That's why there are
songs entitled, "you and me against the world" Your bestbuds comment,
'but he's been jobless for the past three years!" And you say, "He's
free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he's in the office. '(in other words,
he's undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, 'He flirts with other women constantly!' and you
say, 'No, he's just friendly.' (in other words, he's a pervert)

Your cousins say, 'He's taking drugs, He's got needle marks all over his
arm. And you say, 'No, he's into cross stitching.'

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change
him

The wedding doesn't transform anyone. Even if three Popes officiate the
wedding. The person you'll march with into the church will be the same
person you'll march with out of the church. He doesn't change one bit.

In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.
If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after
the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he'll even be
more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding.

Here's the truth : You need more than feelings of love to make a
relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a
minimum level of compatibility.

Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I
hear people say, 'We're compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J.
My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We're both born in July."

Wow. That's so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2 : WHEN IT"S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON

I'm sure you've had this experience before.
You are in a crowded room. You're surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when,
suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly,
time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this
attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant
blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of
nowhere, you here gentle violin music from the background.

One week later, he's your boyfriend. A few weeks later, you discover
that your boyfriend's a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt,
borrows money from all his girlfriends (you're his eight in six months).
Your mind says, 'Dump him' Your heart says, 'But it was love at first
sight!' Here are the consequences ...

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the
dark side of the relationship.

Six out of seven days, you're fighting with your boyfriend. But you can't
give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car
keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his
deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ......How can you not be meant
for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the
'real thing'.

One intelligent woman told me, 'Bo, there's this guy who's courting me.
He's okay. He's kind, he's responsible, he has a good job.......'

"I could hear a 'but' coming ," I said.
'but there are no sparks!" she bit her lip.
"No violin music playing in the background huh?none. When I see him, the
background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei..."

Listen. You don't need a magical first moment to meet our potential
husband. The important things are mature character, financial
responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values..."

I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched
down the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo?
It's loud and clear."

It doesn't have to be love at first sight.
In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends
who've known each other for years before they realize that they're good
marriage material.

What is love at first sight? Many times, it's lust at first sight. Or
infatuation at first sight. Don't give it too much weight.

Here's the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true
love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3 : IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won't. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over
and whether you really loved one another in the first place.

Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The
cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her
lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes. Her beautiful
nose, her parted red lips. And all of a sudden, she snores. "Ngggggggooork"

How do you react? Because it's your honeymoon, you say, 'How cute.' Six
months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And
the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you
hear her snore. "Ngggggoork."

What do you say?

"Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!'

What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this:That's normal.
It happens to everyone. But it doesn't mean your love is gone so don't
panic! You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love
This is nutty.
But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault
of the other person. And so we fight him.
Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings.
It's nobody's fault.
The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins.

Let me explain.

This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from
Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

Falling in love isn't love

Here's why. When you fall in love.....
a. No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
b. No effort is required. Falling in love is like.... Well, falling.
c. No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the
love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots
of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.

Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love.
When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ----
that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely ----- you want the
same satisfaction to last. No it won't.

Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your
partner isn't fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.

Here's the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but
not all of them . There are just some things your husband can't give you:
you're self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are
things you have to work on your own.

I've met lots of people who think they're dissatisfied with their
marriage. In reality, they're dissatisfied with themselves. I've met lots
of people who think they're bored with their marriages. And they complain
to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is ---- when in truth,
they're really bored with life.

Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your
calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5 : IF IT'S TRUE LOVE YOU WON"T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone
else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.

One man told me, 'Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met
this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a
pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair
is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl at
work."

Being attracted to someone is normal ----- even if you have a happy
marriage. But being attracted doesn't mean falling into adultery.

Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say,
'Home, boy, Home!' and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you
feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other
woman, it grows. But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural
death.

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Friday, June 06, 2008

WHEN ONLY ONE LINE FITS ME... :)

I song i heard from my little sister.... call it last song syndrome, call it a good beat... but i could only sing one line... sigh... I miss you dy...

I Stay In Love

Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make up break up can't take this madness
We don't even really know why all I know is baby I
Try and try so hard to keep our love alive
If you dont' know me at this point then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me that unconditional love I used to feel
It's a mistake if we just erase it
From our hearts and minds I know

We said let it go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like 'Oh well' each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now, no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep it hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall how
we gon' act like what we had
Ain't nothing at all now
Hey, what I wanna do is ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block proud in the SU
We both know our heart is breakin'
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone, although I know

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

We said let go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you

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Thursday, June 05, 2008

One Great Love.

I have one great love.

speaking as wife of 6 months, it may be too soon to say... cynics all over the world may probably combat this simple phrase by saying: "you haven't been married long enough to know."

but i look at my husband... and i can't imagine being with anyone else but him. how could that ever change?

so i say... I HAVE ONE GREAT LOVE.

A love i will go back to again and again... a man i will fall in love with everyday of my life... and a partner i will be holding hands with until those days i'm old and gray,

Indeed, i have one great love.

Nothing and no one can beat that.

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Monday, June 02, 2008

About Jealousy
Most everyone experiences a visit from jealousy, the nasty green-eyed monster, at some point in their lives - whether it's over a best friend's career success or a gorgeous person flirting with their loved one. We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion, but it is actually a mixture of a whole bunch of feelings; it can manifest itself as sadness, hurt, anxiety, fear, loneliness, paranoia, self-doubt, anger, and even extreme rage. While we can't necessarily stop this unpleasant sentiment from dropping in from time to time, we can control how we choose to act when it hits. When it consumes our thoughts or triggers behavior that can harm relationships or another person, that's when jealousy is truly a monster. The first step in breaking free from jealousy's grip is recognizing the problem, which your results on the Jealousy Test will help you do. The second is taking a deeper look at the real root of the problem: for every jealous feeling there is an emotion lurking behind that is much more significant than the jealousy itself. Jealousy is just the finger pointing at the fears that we are afraid to face. More often than not, the culprit is a feeling of low self-worth and a fear that we are not good enough to hold on to the things that matter most to us.

What does your score mean?
Most people experience a certain amount of fear that their loved one could leave them for someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. You fit right into this usual range - certain situations may spark feelings of jealousy, but generally you are not preoccupied with the fear of losing your partner. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to recognize the possibility of losing your partner to someone else, but not be consumed by it. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be as sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem and dignity intact. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only fish in the sea, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

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Sunday, June 01, 2008

Breakfast with Caleb

While waiting for daddy, I decided to have some quality time with Caleb. Instead of staying in the room all morning, I went down and prepared breakfast. got some bread and spread, a glass and bottle of water and settled myself at the dining area for some QT with my angel...

It was a quiet morning... amidst the people walking around... going about their day to day routine, i felt peaceful simply taking in the morning... listening... feeling.

Caleb seems to be enjoying those silent moments with me too as i can feel him twirl and swish around in my belly. Perhaps enjoying the bread I was munching on a few minutes before? :)

I enjoy these silent moments a lot as it makes me reflect on how good life can be with only a simple breakfast and some quality time with an angel. Of course, it was perfected by the addition of daddy who just came home and has come to join us....

Sigh... its the start of another week... but I'm thankful that I got to start it this way... peaceful... quiet... reflective.

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