"Requiem of an Insomniac"

Friday, April 28, 2006

And I fall all over again...

If I was asked to define love...I can do it in 2 words.. - Simply, you

I figured it would be unnecessary to include any needless words or characters. Both words mean a lot to me and it explains love as beautifully as you are to me.

~BostonBoy

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Monday, April 24, 2006

My Personal Mission Statement

Give a few moments to prayer everyday. Respect your elders and seek their wisdom on significant decisions in you life. Excel in one skill a year (sport, language, technical know-how). Learn a new word each day. Document your life. Don't be judgemental. Think before you speak. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Learn to listen more. Aim for the good. Always. Focus on what you can do rather than what you can't do. Travel at least once a year. Plan. Laugh. Be Positive.

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Honeymoons and Wedding plans...

BostonBoy and I have been making plans... Thinking about it makes me feel giddy. I know, I know... Am I getting ahead of myself? Are we getting ahead of ourselves? So this is how it feels to finally let go... to let yourself feel completely the intensity of being in love... and with only one man.

I had this rude awakening yesterday... I was browsing through his blog page when i saw pictures of him and his girlfriend... I mean ex-girlfriend... it was then that i felt this intense jealousy... i was never a jealous person... i still don't think i am but here... faced with his past, i couldn't stop myself from feeling it.. Then i realized that i am indeed inlove...

Its funny. Being in love doesn't always mean undeniable happiness and happily ever afters... it also means that you've finally let the fear come in... You've finally brought down the walls surrounding your heart and you've let him inside...

Which is exactly how i feel...

Unnoticed, I have given him that crack... he can slip inside at any time and hurt me. But you know what? i don't really care anymore... He can slip in as many times as he pleases... Because if he doesn't, not only don't i feel the pain, I won't feel that deep exhilaration of being loved by him either. Love is taking the bad in along with the good... knowing that the goodness and purity of love far outweighs all the badness in the world.

And so... we make plans... and eventually, we'll make them reality.:)

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

A movie that moved me...

Leon: How do you know you're in love if you've never been in love before? -
Mathilda: Because. (points to stomach) I feel it, right here.
Leon: It's probably just a stomach ache.
Mathilda: No, I used to have a knot there all the time, and now..it's gone.

Leon: You're not going to lose me. You've given me a taste for life. I wanna be happy. Sleep in a bed, have roots. And you'll never be alone again, Mathilda. Please, go now, baby, go. Calm down, go now, go.

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

How do I quit you?

Angel is back...
I didn't know where he went or what he did, but i do know he's back. He sent me a message as soon as he got back and it made me wonder why out of all his friends, (or ex girlfriends for that matter,) he chose to text me.

I expected a message from him at some point in time.... I expected a conversation... I even expected that one day we would be friends...

But i didn't expect i would miss him. I didn't expect that after everything great that's been happening to my life, i still can't help but ask myself what could have happened if we gave each other another chance. I can't help but wonder if he still loves me...

Its crazy. How do i quit him? There's a part of me that wants to see him... Maybe i just want closure. Maybe i just want to be able to see him and tell myself that this time my feelings have indeed changed. Or maybe I wanna face him and hear the words uttered from his lips: I don't love you anymore.

Perhaps then i can let go...

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Friday, April 07, 2006

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in love?
Not just that spell binding, soul-twisting, extraordinary lightning-may-strike love--
But that perfect-timing, long-awaited, this-is-it-for-certain kind of emotion
that marks itself in your mind, your heart--your entire being...

Have you ever celebrated the union of two souls?
That pure yet unfathomable desire that
no distance, no time and no person can break or destroy...
it's the conspiracy between passion, devotion and the absolute madness.

I have felt and lost, denied and was taken, jumped and was bruised and battered...
But I have never felt that sheer bliss of finally discovering what I have been searching for my whole life....
until I found you....

I have discovered my perfect imperfection in you...

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What's it like...

Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?

Hobbes: Well... Say the object of your affection walks by...

Calvin: Yeah?

Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.

Calvin: That's love?!?

Hobbes: Medically speaking.

Calvin: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!

+++++++++

I've fallen.

Spectrum of Love

There is a much greater motivation than simply my spoken words.

For me to love, is to commit myself, freely and without reservation. I am sincerely interested in your happiness and well being. Whatever your needs are, I will try to fulfill them and will bend in my values depending on the importance of your need. If you are lonely and need me, I will be there. If in that loneliness you need to talk, I will listen. If you need to listen, I will talk. If you need the strength of human touch, I will touch you. If you need to be held, I will hold you. I will lie naked in body with you if that be your need. If you need fulfillment of the flesh, I will give you that also, but only through my love.

I will try to be constant with you so that you will understand the core of my personality and from that understanding you can gain strength and security that I am acting as me. I may falter with my moods. I may project, at times, a strangeness that is alien to you which may bewilder or frighten you. There will be times when you question my motives. But because people are never constant and are as changeable as the seasons, I will try to build up within you a faith in my fundamental attitude and show you that my inconsistency is only for the moment and not a lasting part of me. I will show you love now. Each and every day, for each day is a lifetime. Every day we live, we learn more how to love. I will not defer my love nor neglect it, for if I wait until tomorrow, tomorrow never comes. It is like a cloud in the sky, passing by. They always do, you know!

If I give you kindness and understanding, then I will receive your faith. If I give hate and dishonesty, I will receive your distrust. If I give you fear and am afraid, you will become afraid and fear me. I will give to you what I need to receive.

The degree of love I give is determined by my own capability. My capability is determined by the environment of my past existence and my understanding of love, truth and God. My understanding is determined by my parents, friends, places I have lived and been. Each experience is fed into my mind from living.

I will give you as much love as I can. If you show me how to give more, then I will give more. I can only give as much as you need to receive or allow me to give. If you receive all I can give, then my love is endless and fulfilled. If you receive a portion (part) of my love, then I will give others the balance I am capable of giving. I must give all that I have, being what I am.
Love is universal. Love is the movement of life. I have loved a boy, a girl, my parents, art, nature. All things in life I find beautiful. No human being or society has the right to condemn any kind of love I feel or my way of expressing it, if I am sincere; sincerity being the honest realization of myself without hurt or pain for my life or any life my life touches.

I want to become a truly loving spirit. Let my words, if I must speak, become the restoration of your soul. But when speech is silent, does a man project the great depth of his sensitivity. When I touch you, or kiss you, or hold you, I am saying a thousand words.

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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Only Once...

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find him, this someone, who can completely turn your world around.

You tell him things that you've never shared with another soul and he absorbs everything you say and actually wants to hear more.

You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell him about it, knowing he will share in your excitement.

He is not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never does he hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather he builds you up and shows you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

You can be yourself and not worry about what he will think of you because he loves you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

In his presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having him nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to him who is so special to you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend andpossibly a soul mate that will remain loyal to the end.

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.

Your only hope and security is in knowing that he is a part of your life.

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I'm back.

From 3 days and 2 nights of relaxation. I used it to think deep into what I value in my life. I thought about how life is so full of decisions and never-ending questions that will remain unanswered.

I found myself thinking about BostonBoy the entire time too. I thought about how much fun we had when we went out of town... We both loved traveling... But what we loved more was traveling WITH each other. It made me miss him so much. He called me several times to and we exchanged messages. I savor all our conversations with an appreciation of the fact that not only do I miss him, he misses me back just as much. The great thing about him is I find myself unafraid to tell him anything. He manages to handle different situations with a maturity of someone who trusts me and what I feel for him. I'm drawn to this man who makes me laugh and understand me as simply me. Flaws and all. Awww...

So Philosopher texted several times... He knew I was gonna be out of town (I mean, he's my bestfriend right?) he called me and we talked for several minutes... and for the first time, I found myself unable to keep the conversation flowing. I dunno... its like knowing how he feels changed things between us. I'm not sure he felt it... but as much as I tried to sound normal, something in my gut tells me that he knew me well enough to know nothing AT ALL is normal between us anymore.

Apart from my ever confusing life of relationships, I also found myself thinking about work... career. Where am I headed here? Only one answer came up. Nowhere. Right now, I'm at the phase where I'm settling with what I have until something better comes along. I no longer love what I'm doing. I've been thrown back and forth and everywhere else several times that I don't even know where I am or where I specialize in. I'm the queen of beginnings so to speak. I start everything. And when everything is set, I'm sent off somewhere else to start again. In the beginning I can say it was fun... But try doing that for a couple of years... definitely NOT FUN.

I think about what i've learned and I feel like i'm starting to learn nothing. That i've become mediocre in a world where mediocrity is ignored and set aside in a dark corner to be forgotten. I don't want to be there. I want to feel wanted and appreciated yes.. but most of all I want to feel that I have done something with vigor and knowledge that what I did actually means something. At the moment I feel nothing. Empty.

A year is too long for me to wait for something better to come along. But do I have any choice?

All these thoughts at a time and place where nature conjures an image of peaceful contentment. Simple. Unsettling. But definitely right.

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