ABOUT ME
• crazy but not wild
• Devoted
• Loved
• I'm addicted to my bunshin, music, writing, my bunshin, bleach, pictures, did i say my bunshin yet?
• I love to dance... i move.
• I'm fascinated with anime
• I love rainy Monday mornings
• I dream of a simple life
• I love traveling
• I stay home simply to spend time with my family
• I recently got bitten by the computer bug
• I love theater
• I have deep affection for dogs
• I love drawing but drawing seems to have developed a mild aversion towards me
• If given a chance, I'd go to VIENNA!
• I love my bunshin
• I love hugging
• When deeply saddened or undeniably happy, i write.
• my life is an unwritten book filled with wonderful adventures
contact >> ♥ miaka ♥
Friday, June 16, 2006
Closer.No words were spoken. We just know. As much as we try not to acknowledge it, there is something between us. Something we cannot name. It's simply there. Somehow, that awareness of each other has grown through the weeks. That ability to read each others minds, talk non-stop about anything and simply just enjoy the company we keep.
Surreal. This is crazy. Insane. Bostonboy will be back home soon. I can't wait. Even then I can't explain why i still spend time with Magi. Just this morning we slept over a friend's place. What started out as a joke ended in a mini impropmptu excursion to different homes of friends that got us without sleep and rest but laughing most of the time. No... we did sleep.... We all ended up making do with one bed and a hella lot of laughter. I woke up from my dreamless sleep and his arms were around me. I couldn't move away. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I stayed there until he woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep... his nearness is unnerving.
Again. I'm insane. An insane crazy person who's so drawn to complications that she can't handle.
Why can't I simply move away?
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Monday, June 12, 2006
TestsHe is a test. Of strength. Of choice. Of faith. With each moment shared, there comes the realization that perhaps things are not as they seem. Perhaps there's more to this than just infatuation.
I refuse to believe this. I refuse to allow myself to think that he will come to mean more to me than my choice. My life has started. Without him. I cannot end it with him. Not when there is too much at stake.
We've been spending too much time together. And even as i tell myself i should avoid him, i found myself walking towards him instead. We are friends. Nothing more. We spoke figuratively about this during one of those dinners we would usually share.... How we can feel if someone cares for us as more than a friend. How without speaking we can sense it. That its undeniable.. only if its present. And so i think about how he feels? Does he know? Does he feel it too? People are starting to notice how much we've been spending time together. We both brush it off as off handedly as we can manage. Deep inside though i find myself thinking... did the thought ever cross his mind as well?
This is insane. I lose sleep over this. I think about him and yet i fight it. I already have a life. A life without him. Just as he has his own... without me. But why can't i stop thinking about him? When will i stop?
I'm intensely aware of his presence... surrounding me. I talk to him as casually as i can careful not to let my emotions show... but i don't know how much longer i can take this... or how far this will go...
Again, i pray for strength.... to get through him... my test.
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Saturday, June 03, 2006
Gift of a Magi.
It started with the few converstations we would have about something, nothing and everything. Those unnoticeable glances to my left. Those moments sharing music... the close proximity of riding home together..
Magi. An unexpected admiration that turned into an attraction i wasn't prepared for or even willing to admit to myself. I've planned everything. I've had this dream in my head, of what life i would like to live. But my dreams did not include him. they do not include him. They won't.
I am fully aware of what consequences being attracted to him would entail. It's that endless cycle that I have been in and out of for more than I can count. I have my life to live. He has his. This reality does not escape me even as i look at him from a distance or speak to him from mere inches away. It did not escape me as i laid my head on his shoulder that one fine sleepless day. It does not escape me now... as i look for words to describe the feelings rioting inside of me.
Still I know what i must do. This attraction. This desire must not go any farther than it already has. At some point it would have to end. At some point things will falter into oblivion as mere memories. The constant thoughts of him would disappear. The yearning to be near him. The waiting. They will all end. And I will continue my life as it should be. As would he.
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