"Requiem of an Insomniac"

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"All I ever wanted.."

Was a bit subdued today... had too many things on my mind...
decisions to make.

confusion

ambivalence

i can't seem to shake them off.

I think of what i want and i see this hazy picture of me and...
who else?

i don't know.

On my way to work I was thinking of something specific... a sign
Anything that would convince me of what path i should take.

and then i get this email.
things are unravelling too fast....
and i don't know what to do.

Once again, I'm stuck. Unable to make a decision.
Unable to shake off that fear of what comes after.

when will this ever stop?

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Addicted.

They say love is like a narcotic... That it gives you the euphoria of complete surrender... that in the beginning you feel like you can still control it... but the longer it stays, the more rooted you are to the person you love that it seems so inconceivable that the two of you should ever part.

I now find myself asking these questions...

When is that point of no turning back? When can you say that you have finally fallen, arms raised, eyes closed and mind shut... nothing else open but your heart...

When?

In those moments of complete awareness.. those few seconds of silence... where everything else in the world stops... i ask myself: do i find myself falling?
I feel the fear grip me... Doubts settle in.. I have once again let myself go.... to feel.. threw logic to the wind as if it were some kind of hindrance rather than a guide....
I've been here before..I've gone through this road and the familiarity of where I am now does not escape me.

Still...

What if? What if this is what I've been looking for my whole life?

Will I ever learn?

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Thursday, July 06, 2006

Love is much like a dam; if you allow a tiny crack to which only a trickle of water can pass,
That trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, ,and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current.
For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn’t even matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control.

It is risky falling in love.
I know that, I answered. I’ve been in love before. It’s like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender.
The next day you want more. You’re not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things.
You think about the person you love for two minutes, and you forget them for three hours.
But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them.
Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes.
If he’s not there, you feel like an addict who can’t get a fix.
And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need,
You’re willing to do anything for love.

But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life,
We always face a brand new situation.
Love can consign us to hell or paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.
We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence.
If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand
And pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it,
Even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.
The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.
And save us.

A thousand times I wanted to take his hand, and a thousand times I stopped myself.
I was still confused – I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I didn’t know how to begin.
I have always loved you, he began. I kept the medal, thinking that someday I would give it to you.
I wrote the letters to you and opened every letter of yours afraid that you would tell me that you had found someone.

If pain must come, may it come quickly.
Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it the best way possible.
If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

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Unravel.

So many things are unravelling fast in the past couple of weeks. I find myself grasping for something that my sanity can hold on to.

Magi and I. There is something between us. Undefined but definitely not elusive. It is there. We both can feel it. Tried to deny it but it was too strong and we both failed.

It scares me to think that no matter how much love i can feel for a person, it can change in a blink of an eye. Am i that bad that i couldnt even hold on to emotions i've felt before? or does it simply mean i havent found the right man for me yet?

I feel so lost sometimes with all these emotions bottled up inside me. I can't say a word. I can't even admit it to myself. Because by doing so, I've also admitted that I've failed once again in holding on to something so special.

I'm going crazy.

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