• crazy but not wild
• Devoted
• Loved
• I'm addicted to my bunshin, music, writing, my bunshin, bleach, pictures, did i say my bunshin yet?
• I love to dance... i move.
• I'm fascinated with anime
• I love rainy Monday mornings
• I dream of a simple life
• I love traveling
• I stay home simply to spend time with my family
• I recently got bitten by the computer bug
• I love theater
• I have deep affection for dogs
• I love drawing but drawing seems to have developed a mild aversion towards me
• If given a chance, I'd go to VIENNA!
• I love my bunshin
• I love hugging
• When deeply saddened or undeniably happy, i write.
• my life is an unwritten book filled with wonderful adventures
Its the end of another day. I've seen it change... from its dark purple hue to the brightness of the sun. the morning is chilly. i could still smell the rain. I thought to myself, 'yes, the day is about to end..'
I smile. A small wistful smile as i accept the passing of time.
Silence. I hear silence all around. Just the sound of the soft rain on my ear. I love mornings like these. Peaceful. Quiet.
Its the time to think. Reflect. Remember. Wish.
I close my eyes and feel the soft wind on my face. The hum of the fan is the only sound i hear. Later.. There will be more. Voices. People. Silence will once again be broken.
Their day will begin. As mine has ended.
I close my eyes to say goodbye. Tomorrow is a brand new day.
I had a dream last night. It was disturbing. I dreamt i lost someone very close to my heart. I was waiting for him to come home to me. I was waiting and waiting but he never came. I woke up with a heavy heart so close to crying... I felt so tired... as if i've been crying for hours.
Now, i'm suffering the aftereffects of a dream i barely remember.. The feelings it aroused though are still there... I can't help but feel paranoid. When i woke up, i didn't get any messages from him which made me worry. I sent him several messages online and on his phone but i still didnt get any reply... I got to work distracted and barely able to concentrate.
When i got his email i was able to breathe. Finally... proof that i haven't lost him. I went on with my day.. breathing easier this time.
But not for long.
I got home early. Eager to begin my day with him... begin the conversations.. share my dream... assure myself he's there... but hours went by and i didn't hear from him at all. I waited and waited.. sent him messages from time to time... praying he's okay. Praying he's alright and safe. I started thinking how i can't bear to lose him... no... please.. not him.
He sent me a message several hours later. one message. Telling me he's ok. I replied several times and got nothing... again....
I know... i know i'm getting paranoid... but my heart is heavy. And i can't help it. there's this lump on my throat that i can't seem to take away.
I'm scared. I've never been this scared to lose any one in my entire life. The fear grips me... and i can't shake it off...
I tell myself this will pass.. I close my eyes and prayed it will.
A very good friend if mine just got the most heartbreaking news of her life.
The passing away of someone dear to her. the realization of dreams that are never meant to come true. The sound of a heart breaking at a thought of a love that never came to be.
I feel numb and yet i feel her pain. I've cried many times this day as the thought of losing the one love you're willing to live for came back to me again and again. I sat by her side and watched. I looked into her eyes and saw sadness beyond reach. I held her close and offered a prayer of strength. I cried. smiled. then cried again. It was a roller coaster of emotions and knowing what i'm feelings is only a miniscule part of where she's at right now makes my heart break even more.
we spoke of death. missions. acceptance. and His plans. We spoke of faith and the belief that everything happens for a reason. we spoke of the good and the painful... but we never spoke of the bad. Nothing bad has happened. What happened was what was meant to be.
I close my eyes with her words on my mind. He is where he should belong. In the arms of our Father. In the arms of peace. where pain cannot reach him. I close my eyes and smile. Time will heal the hurt caused by a loved one's death. But faith... faith will heal the pain of loss. His faith brought her back to our Father. Her love will bring his faith alive in her.
Went out of town a couple of days ago... It was fun.. spending time with friends, relaxing... having a good time. But somehow... somehow, it felt incomplete. Everywhere we went i would always have one thought in mind: " what if he was here?" ... and then there goes... " I wish he were here..."
I admit, I was missing him badly. I miss his presence... I miss holding his hand. I wanna walk down the beach with him or watch the sunset with his arms around me. I found my thoughts drifting towards him and the many things we could do together if he was with me.
I wanted some time to think, so i walked a few feet away to sit down and simply listen to music. I found myself praying. I found myself starting all sentences with "thank you's" rather than "I wish". With Him and me, i closed my eyes and said a silent prayer straight from my heart. "Thank You. For once again proving Your love to me in more ways than one. For showing me the wisdom of Your plan. I may not be a perfect follower of Your word... but I pray I become a firm believer of Your love and wisdom. Thank You." It was an emotional moment. But a peaceful one. The sun was on my face and the sound of the sea washing up the shore was all i need to give me a feel of His presence. We had a moment together. It was all I needed at the moment.
I realized then how lucky I am to be loved. I am loved. So deeply. By my family. By my partner for life. By Him. I may be alone at that moment, but my spirit is not. And i would never be without.
Its always been so difficult for me to say goodbye. Although i know its not something permanent. I find it really hard. I guess the distance is already starting to take its toll.
I'm becoming unreasonable again i know. To feel bad about something we have no control over. Thinking about it, I'm not truly mad at anyone. I guess i just feel bad about the situation. I've been spoiled, i admit. I've gotten used to the time he spends with me... and now that he needs to be where he should be ( which is away from me), i feel bad. Grrr... I should stop feeling this way. I should stop being this needy and selfish. I don't like it.
But my heart yearns for him with so much intensity it aches. And i can't mask the loneliness of being without him. I've never been good at hiding my emotions. Somehow, someway, it will always come out. I'm crazy. I know i am. I've been crazy for him for so long. Its crazy.
If it was possible to simply turn off my emotions when things get this way, would i do it? The thought already crossed my mind several times in the past. Although I would think its a very convenient and less painful thing to do, I wouldn't. I would rather go through all the pain than deprive myself of being human by shutting myself off what makes life complete. Pain and happiness come together. That's life.
I know i should be sleeping. I can't. My mind is wide awake. I'll probably just keep myself up until the time i need to go back into slumber. That's how it is.
Again i pray for strength. Again I pray for patience and faith. I pray for a strong belief in what is meant to be for both us. That i continue to trust in His hand. Everything is meant to be this way for a reason... He has not failed me yet. Why should i think He would now? Keep the faith. Its all i need to do.
"I'm learning to breathe, I'm learning to crawl..I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall..."
~Switchfoot
Its been a trying day. I wish i could have handled things better but.. I didn't... I miss him. Terribly. Our last conversation didnt seem to end well. I went to bed with a heavy heart...
Now I'm waiting. Sitting on the same couch for the past 10 hours hoping i could talk to him. Its crazy. I'm crazy.
I fear. I fear the day I might lose him. I fear the day he might change his mind and heart and decide he's better off without me. I know I'm letting my paranoia get the better of me but at times like these.. feeling so alone... feeling so helpless... its so difficult not to succumb to my insecurities and doubts.
Thinking about these possibilities, I can't help but have tears in my eyes. I could feel a stab of pain in my heart. That excruciating pain that comes with the gripping realization that if I lose him... I've lost the one person who's meant for me. I don't think my heart could ever love anyone the same way again.
Tonight you arrested my mind When you came to my defense With a knife in the shape of your mouth in the form of your body With the wrath of a God... well you stand by me and believed
I think about how i feel about him. I think about how much of my life I want to share with him. I think about so many things...
How do i know if its him? If he's the one? If I trully and genuinely love him? I have no answer for that than to simply say: I know. My heart tells me so. My mind agrees. My body on its own volition reacts.... I've never felt this certain of anyone my entire life.
I continue waiting... Whether its 10 hours or 10 years my heart will wait for him. It can wait for no one else but him.
Conscious faith is freedom Instinctive faith is slavery mechanical faith is madness
Conscious hope is strength Emotional hope is cowardice Mechanical hope is sickness
Conscious love arouses love Emotional love arouses the unexpected Mechanical love arouses hate
A very good friend of mine shared this excerpt from Paolo Coehlo It touched me deeply... I continuously pray for all three... Conscious Faith, Hope and Love.
My day is about to end. had everything i was supposed to do done before i close my eyes to sleep... Everything. Well... not exactly everything. I've spent most of my day waiting... I look at my phone from time to time... check the internet... wonder how his day is going...
Sometimes, i feel as if i'm always out of time. As if my day will end very soon and there is nothing i could do about it. Its depressing actually. Its monday. Work is once again just around the corner. I've thought of taking a day off a thousand times today. But i know its useless to take it now. Might as well do something rather than spend my time doing nothing at all.
I've uploaded most of the pics in my pc... looking at the pictures makes me miss him more. Sometimes, when i can no longer take it, i close my eyes and breath deep. It's a bitter sweet kind of pain... Seeing the passing of time right in front of me... I smile because i see how everything came together and how everything fell into place for us. I sigh because i miss it. Those times i'm in his arms... those times i can hear his voice... those times i can hold his hand.
I'm thinking.. perhaps sleeping will help the time pass by more quickly. I wonder if could take being this way for more months..... Sometimes i feel very positively about it. I know that time can pass by so quickly and soon, what i have been waiting for will finally come. There are other times... those other times that i dont feel as optimistic. Will I go crazy soon?
I listen to music to ease away the loneliness. It helps... music brings comfort. Yes it does. But it also brings back memories.... Thinking about it, its funny how such good memories could make me sad. I should be happy right? I guess I just feel lonely being without him. I'll get over it. And things will go back to normal. Will it?
The distance is trying and sometimes very frustrating. I've never thought of it as a problem before. Now... i dunno. I long to hear from him although i know he's having a good time. I want that for him. I want him to make the most of his stay. I think about it and i laugh at myself for being so clingy even from thousands of miles away. Hell, i dont want to be. Which is why as much as i want to talk to him right now... as much as i know i can just let him know that, i stop myself. Not because I'm mad... not because I feel bad, but more because i want him to simply enjoy and not think or worry too much about me. And I realize, as long as he's happy, I'll fine.
The sun is starting to rise.... Another day has begun. Another day will end for me. I'd like to think its another day closer... to him. And so i continue to wait....
"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of my time. There are too many mediocre things in live and love shouldn't be one of them."
~ Frankie, Dream for an Insomniac
• crazy but not wild
• Devoted
• Loved
• I'm addicted to my bunshin, music, writing, my bunshin, bleach, pictures, did i say my bunshin yet?
• I love to dance... i move.
• I'm fascinated with anime
• I love rainy Monday mornings
• I dream of a simple life
• I love traveling
• I stay home simply to spend time with my family
• I recently got bitten by the computer bug
• I love theater
• I have deep affection for dogs
• I love drawing but drawing seems to have developed a mild aversion towards me
• If given a chance, I'd go to VIENNA!
• I love my bunshin
• I love hugging
• When deeply saddened or undeniably happy, i write.
• my life is an unwritten book filled with wonderful adventures
