"Requiem of an Insomniac"

Monday, December 25, 2006

walking...

its christmas. the lights are bright, people are out celebrating and the evening is cool. I had a choice of whether i stay home or go to work. I chose the latter for practical reasons. Knowing i would most probably do nothing at work, i decided to make the most of it anyways.

its christmas and i decided to take a walk. i also decided to take that walk alone. i guess i needed some time to think and breath in fresh air. Seeing the beautiful sky, the bright lights contrasting it... the lively conversations between people... made me think... made me yearn... made me wish. I wish i wasnt walking alone. I wish I wasn't appreciating the beautiful sky all by myself. I wish....

I'm yearning for a lot of things tonight. I'm yearning for the presence of a loved one. I'm wishing i could share the simple things christmas has to offer.... I'm wishing i could give him something for christmas that he would like. But i can't. And somehow, the knowledge made me sad.

I've told myself I'm strong. That i can take the distance. That my heart can hold on. There are only moments when this belief would falter. This is one of those few moments. I try hard to fight it. Keep my attention on other things that can make me smile. I found solace in a child's laughter. Perhaps this is His way of reminding me to be strong. I'll take that.

He often wonders if he is enough for me. If he could provide me with everything i need. Right now, I wonder if I'm enough for him. If my love is what he deserve. I know in my heart that he deserves to be happy. Would i be able to make him happy?

I can't give him anything else but my love. Nothing else but me. I hope that's enough.

Its christmas. And my thoughts are filled with yearning.

Perhaps i should take a walk again.

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Monday, December 18, 2006

Unable to sleep.

Too many thoughts in my head.
Ain't that bad though...
Been used to staying up til late...
I know i should try and sleep though
Or its gonna take a toll later at work.

I'm babbling, aren't i?

Christmas is just around the corner.
In a few days...

Heehee....

Then a new year will begin.

I'm still babbling.

Better stop.

Missing him. Bad.

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Saturday, December 16, 2006

Its Official.

63 days has turned into 118... Knowing this, brought a riot of emotions i can't seem to identify at the moment. I've survived almost 2 months without... I'll survive the next 4 months coming.

Wrong.

We've survived the past 2 months and we'll survive the coming 4 months. I look at the situation as calmly and as logically as possible. We have plans. At the moment we know we wont be able to push through with it if we don't have all our resources available. And so He gave us an opportunity to prepare... get ourselves ready. But not without sacrifice. I understand that. Both my heart and my mind understands that need.

And so even when my heart aches of missing him, I accept the situation as it is.

Our journey together is one that will test the firmness of our love and our willingness to sacrifice when the need arises. And so i open my heart to the endless possibilities and challenges that may come and simply pray that my heart remains strong.

As I think of all these i am reminded of an excerpt introduced by a very good friend of mine:

The Difficulties of Love

The Difficulties of Love (Song of Songs 2:1-3:5)

There's no easy way to put this: Loving another person is hard work. It doesn't take a couple long to learn that the loving feelings they once had for one another flitter and fade away over time. Sure these feelings make appearances now and again as the relationship matures, but their absence is more common than their presence. After the feelings diminish, it's down to the hard work of growing closer, humbling ourselves, addressing conflict, remaining pure, living selflessly, and apologizing—all of which describes a growing, loving relationship. When two people are committed to living biblically in their marriage, the joys outweigh the pains and the smiles overshadow the tears over time. Are you working hard through the difficulties of love or are you hardly working?

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Sunday, December 10, 2006

Don't speak.

Aaargh. Throat has been a pain for the past weekend. I could sense my voice has changed. speaking a few decibels louder feels like I've been shouting on the top of my lungs...

I've been sleeping most of the weekend just to get this bug out of my system. Even then i still can't help but feel weak. I sleep and i always wake up four hours later... i do nothing but surf through the internet.... nothing much to do considering everyone else is either sleeping at the moment or doing their own stuff. I've exhausted all resources in the net that my mind could think of at the moment. There's not much i want to do... I just either want to lay in bed or ... lay in bed.

And now its the beginning of another day. Again I feel like time is running out as a few hours ahead of me, I have to once again start my workday. How i wish i could take a vacation. Come to think of it, I think I will. I'll be taking a day leave at the end of this week. Yipee... Can't wait.

Sigh. Its gonna be another do nothing day for me. Goodluck.

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Saturday, December 09, 2006

Down with the weather....

does being down with the weather mean i have given myself the right to be insensitively selfish?
I guess feeling weak makes me want to have something or someone to hold on to constantly..
Again, I find myself torn.

Alone,
I look deep into myself...
berate myself for being selfish....
and opened my heart to understanding situations beyond my control.

It is then that i can let go of the selfishness within me.
Hold on loosely... with palms open...
and the sand will remain within your grasp.

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