"Requiem of an Insomniac"

Saturday, May 31, 2008

A visit

My in laws came to visit today. It's been a while since we last spent time with each other and I'm glad they were able to come by.

Felt a bit anxious because I thought I'd be late picking them up but it turns out I was just on time.

Seeing them made me feel even more excited about the prospect of our angel Caleb joining the family soon. There's so much love all around that it inspires me. My mother in law brought cute baby clothes that I can't help but gush over... they're all so tiny and they made me imagine just how good its gonna look on our angel.

Once again I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so much love. My hubby may not be with me at the moment, but I can feel his love... in his voice.. in his eyes... and reflected in his family as well.

Sigh... I can't wait til he comes home. Then the happiness would be complete.

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Friday, May 30, 2008

I was born to tell you "I love you."

I received a phone call that made everything alright. I was awaken by the ringing of my phone at 5:30am. Somehow, i knew who it was. I felt it even before i checked the screen.. And i was right. It was a short phone call... no longer than 5 mins... but it was enough to make me go back to sleep with a smile on my face.

My husband called to tell me he loves me. Nothing can get any better than that. :)

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sick.

runny nose. chills. tired bones. puffy eyes.

I wish I could just stay home and sleep. My head feels heavy and my eyes are warm. I know I'm coming down with something. I'm just praying it goes away soon. I don't like this feeling.

I miss my bed. I miss the cool wind. I miss hearing the rain while I lie down to sleep. I miss the comfort of a warm and soft blanket. I wish I was underneath the covers now. I just want to close my eyes and rest.

I have 2 hours to go... 2 long hours.. of sitting in a cold room facing the monitor of my PC. I have my jacket and yet I can still feel chills.

I feel hungry... Later. When I get home. I want soup. Warm soup. I wish...

I wish for someone to take care of me. Not just anyone. I want the ONE.

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Words left unsaid.

So many words left unsaid. Words kept inside. Words that were lodged in my throat as i fought to keep control. To keep my sanity. To keep from bursting out in tears.

Each day gets more difficult than the last. Each day seems longer. More painful. More unbearable.

To wait a couple of hours as opposed to waiting for months on end. To know that I would never know when I'd stop waiting until the very last minute. Until I couldn't take it any longer. Until i feel so drained... tired... defeated.

There were so many words I wish I could have spoken. Words I couldn't seem to grasp myself at that moment I could utter them. I was overwhelmed. By feelings of sadness, frustration accompanied by the realization that this is not the last time I'll be feeling them.

I could feel tears welling up and I willed them to stop. Not now. Now isn't the time to feel weak. Now isn't the time to lose it. So swallow the pain and take it in. Accept the fact that this is something you've set yourself up for a long time ago. Accept the sacrifice. It will end soon.

Yes, there so many words left unsaid. Perhaps someday... I'll say them. Perhaps not.

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MY THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Douglas Adams
English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 - 2001)

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Monday, May 26, 2008

Rides home without you...

The rides home are filled with silent thoughts. Looking out the window tonight as I headed home from work, I am struck with memories of our rides home together. How you would usually pick me up from work, how I would wait for you underneath the footbridge, how i would see your endearing face peering out the cab window looking out for me...

During those rides home together we'd both be tired. I'd find myself laying my head on your shoulder as you wrap your arm around me. I could smell your scent. I could feel you breathe, I could hear your heartbeat. All these have a calming effect on me. The day has finally ended and I am where I want to be the most.

I remember those days when we would have our walks early in the morning after work. We'd decide not to head home yet. Have breakfast at a nearby fastfood place... You'd smile when I eat a lot. Always concerned about how thin I am. Always thinking of me... Always...

I love walking with you... even from way back, our walks together was what drew us closer in the first place. Walks we never meant to have but would find ourselves in... I'd look forward to those walks back then. It didn't matter when or where... as long as you were with me, I could walk for miles.

I remember chance (?) meetings... how I'd find myself looking forward to beginning my day earlier than usual simply because I knew it would mean being with you more.. talking with you more... walking with you more...

Now as I took cab ride home, I'm filled with a bitter sweet yearning and anticipation of the days when we'd find ourselves riding home together again... walking together again... being together again...

Indeed, my rides home are filled with thoughtful silence. My rides home are always... filled with you.

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Friday, May 23, 2008

The Closer I Get to You

A couple of months left for waiting. A couple of months.
Its been months... several long months and yet. the closer i am. the more i ache.

i find comfort in music. i find comfort in dreams. i find comfort in things i can smile about. I can still find comfort.

in a way... i know i can still take it. the waiting. the aching. the yearning.

at the end of the day... i am thankful. another day has gone by. another day will come. i couldn't sleep. couldn't close my eyes. for some reason, it becomes difficult to simply end the day... having melancholy and solitude as your companion for many days... weeks.... months... i stay up long after everyone else has gone to bed. Long after their days have ended. Long after i've come to grips with the fact that i will be sleeping alone. again.

i stay awake and i want you by my side... a melody so familiar it got me rooted to the spot.

Another day, another place
Another night and you're not here
Once again far from home
All alone to play my song
I know in just a little while
I'll be right there to see your face
But until I can

In a special way I need your touch
To fill the warmth that comforts me
And you know it's true
All and all I'd rather spend this time with you
But until I can

i stay awake and i want you by my side....

another day of waiting has ended.

another day of waiting will begin...

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Fine Art Of Waiting...

To wait... what does it mean?

by definition, waiting means:

Main Entry: 1wait
Pronunciation: \ˈwāt\
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French waiter, guaiter to watch over, await, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German wahta watch, Old English wæccan to watch — more at wake
Date: 14th century
transitive verb
1: to stay in place in expectation of : await

Thinking about it i find myself in that state everyday...

I wait. What do i wait for? A number of things:

- i wait to go online.
- i wait until i'm logged in
- I wait until i get to talk to my husband.
- I wait until i get to work and send my husband a message that im safely at work
- i wait until my husband wakes up so we could chat a bit
- i wait until the day ends so i could sleep... and start another waiting day all over again....

Anormal day for me is a day filled with waiting.

since the moment he left i have been waiting. i have been waiting until i get to be with the only person i want to be with.

Sometimes, i feel sad... sometimes i feel excited. Other times, i simply feel stagnant.

I must admit, Paitence is not my most favorite virtue. But then i guess, life isn't supposed to be easy all the time, isn't it?

Let's wait a bit longer. smile a bit wider. Then perhaps waiting won't be so bad after all.

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Today has ended. It has been a long day. I was prepared to get a YES. I was equally prepared to get a NO. But what I got was a lot worse than that. I got a MAYBE.

Maybe.. I never liked maybes. It makes me feel... uncertain. Like nothing will come to a conclusion. Nothing will ever be sure.

But then again... perhaps it would be better if I see it as His way of telling me:

"WAIT... I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER FOR YOU."

Hmmm...I think i like that better.

Yes, today has finally ended.

And I may have gotten a MAYBE.

But i know i got SOMETHING BETTER.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008

I feel anxious. Big day tomorrow. A big day i will be facing alone. Its honestly a scary feeling.

Its been a while since I've felt this way and now.... the anxiety of venturing to the unknown has finally come back to haunt me.

I tell myself there is nothing to fear. I tell myself that should things work out unexpectedly, then there is nothing to worry about. Really.

But then again there is still a part of me that wants to make this work out. A part of me that hopes against hope that I wouldn't fail.

But fail on what? What exactly am i afraid of failing from?

Is it rejection? Or that knowledge that something planned may not work out because of me?

Perhaps the fear of failure is just so overrated. What's so bad about failing anyway? Doesn't it just mean that I have one less error in my life?

Perhaps.

Even then, I still want to make this work.

It just scares me that I have to do this alone.

Then again, after tomorrow is through, i can either look forward to not being alone very soon or being alone a little while longer.

Sigh. I wish I could just hold his hand.

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Thursday, May 01, 2008

dy...

as you start your day... i'll be ending mine...

it's been a long day of waiting... to get a couple of minutes to talk to
you... sigh... time has always been short... time is always not
enough. time is always lacking. ive always been lacking. and it
makes me so sad...

I know its difficult for you too...so i try to be strong. its not
easy sometimes... being alone in bed...staring at the darkness...
wishing... i'll be experiencing that again tonight. but ill try to be
strong. I'll close my eyes and think of happier thoughts.

sometimes i get envious, when i hear about other couples going out
together... watching a movie... having dinner... going to the mall...
i would rather stay home these days... because i cant share those
moments with you... there was even an article that i read about where
it says now is the best time to fly... to go somewhere... because
after a couple of weeks, i would not longer have that luxury or safety
to fly... and travel for long...

but where will i go now? now that you aren't here with me? it wont
be fun... it wont be complete... again.. id only feel lacking. and so
i'd rather stay home. i'd rather just stay in my room and stare at
the darkness and continue wishing.

ive told you ive been lonely... im sorry if i am... i guess the
loneliness is manifesting itself in dreams...dreams that make me cry..
dreams that make me catch my breath and close my eyes... dreams that
seems to cause a knot in my throat because i dont want to cry...
dreams that aren't real but are nevertheless there. ill try not to be
lonely anymore.. ill try to keep myself occupied. i'll try to focus
more on the happy things... the blessings... what i can look forward
to.. and i hope i can stick to those thoughts instead.

but before i start thinking that, i just want you to know of the
things i'm wishing for in the dark.

1. i wish you were by my side.
2. i wish i could see your face when i wake up the next morning.
3. i wish i could spent a weekend with you anywhere...
4. I wish i could have dinner with you at the end of my work day...
5. i wish i could cook for you, with you, or get you to cook for me...
6. i wish i could let you feel my tummy...
7. i wish i could watch you talking to caleb...
8. i wish i could simply hear your voice
9. i wish i could watch a movie with you with your arms around me
protecting me from the cold
10. i wish i could go shopping for baby stuff with you
11. i wish we go out in the middle of the night and simply have
coffee, hot chocolate or shake
12. i wish i could spend a do nothing day with you...
13. i wish i could go to the doctor with you...
14. i wish i could see your face as we look at caleb's ultrasound
15. i wish i could hug you... and not wake up to find out its only a dream
16. i wish i didn't have to do too many things in the morning so we
could chat longer
17. i wish i could watch you sing to our caleb while you strum the guitar
18. i wish i could nag you of the things i crave for when i crave for them.
19. i wish i could ride to work with you
20. i wish i could share a bath with you..

there are so many more wishes... so many more things i want to
write... but i know whatever it is im wishing for you're wishing for
too...
so i know you know exactly how im feeling...

but even then, i want to write it down to take away the loneliness in
me... and perhaps... when i go to bed tonight..

i wont have to stare at the darkness with tears in my eyes... with my
mind full of wishes...

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